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tides of ash

this world is not my home i'm just passing through

i miss you already & you’re not even gone…

what the fuck is wrong with me.

14. July 2012

So

POOL TIME :D

with gisela mah shlut <3

You know what scares me more than anything? How I can go from completely nothing to just fully enraged in no time at all. It’s like I can’t even control my thoughts, the blood that pumps through my veins or the inhalation of my lungs. 

I was putting my hair up a while ago. I had my head upside down to try to get all my hair into my hands, so i got it in there & put in my hair tie. I then stood up & looked in the mirror. Upon noticing the bump in my hair, not even a second had passed before I could feel the blood rush to my face in anger - my lungs stop moving - my head running a million miles a minute, thinking every bad thought I’ve ever felt. It had to have taken me less than thirty seconds to put my hair up. & having that short amount of time wasted, my mind turned on itself. I wanted to smash my face into the mirror, throw the pictures off the walls, kick in the shower door. & in that one second, I was terrified… of myself.

Now everytime I turn around, it’s like something is wrong with me. I’ll never be thin enough. I’ll never be pretty enough. No one will ever love me. I’ll never be healthy enough. I’ll never be confident enough. I’ll never be the person you want me to be, whoever you are. 

I snap at my mother, telling her to look at my work schedule & figure out who I worked with, instead of just telling her straight & simply. She sat & ate her spaghetti with pouty lips & sad eyes. I didn’t mean to, it just came out. 
I just said 'I'm sorry' & put my half full plate into the sink. I disappoint myself & upon realizing it, I do nothing about it. It’s like I’m brave for a split second, but then remorse kicks in…

& now I sit here crying because most of you will judge me for my feelings. But I’m scared. I’m terrified of my own mind. How can someone be so insecure, harsh & violent about oneself, if they are who they shaped their-self to be?

But I honestly do believe that I will never be good enough. Or thin enough. Or calm enough - pretty enough - rich enough. Or alive enough…

Epic water sprinkler chasing with Tywer! (Taken with instagram)